R.I.P Mitch Hedberg
a hometown guy dying way too young. if you know his work, you know that much of it is pure genius. if you don't, you would be wise to. generally i'm not at all a fan of stand up comedy, but man his stuff is funny.
for those unfamiliar with his work, here are a few choice quips of his. be forewarned, however, that a great portion of his hilarity was in the delivery, which obviously cannot be re-created here. to understand his true genius you need to hear him deliver these lines:
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.""
"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."
"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips."
"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick.""
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something."
"I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible."
"I wrote a letter to my dad — I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away ..."
"I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'"
"I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment.""
" I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify."
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera ..."
"My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first..."
"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at ..."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.""
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly ..."
"My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy ..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ..."
"Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys."
"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.""
"I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question."
"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It was the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light, they scatter, but I do not want them to. Don't run away. I want to hold you ... and feed you a leaf."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry," so it died."
"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes."
for more information about him and his work you can visit www.mitchhedberg.net
for those unfamiliar with his work, here are a few choice quips of his. be forewarned, however, that a great portion of his hilarity was in the delivery, which obviously cannot be re-created here. to understand his true genius you need to hear him deliver these lines:
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.""
"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."
"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips."
"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick.""
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something."
"I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible."
"I wrote a letter to my dad — I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away ..."
"I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'"
"I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment.""
" I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify."
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera ..."
"My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first..."
"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at ..."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.""
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly ..."
"My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy ..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ..."
"Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys."
"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.""
"I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question."
"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It was the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light, they scatter, but I do not want them to. Don't run away. I want to hold you ... and feed you a leaf."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry," so it died."
"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes."
for more information about him and his work you can visit www.mitchhedberg.net
posted by Josh Peterson at 1:05 AM
3 Comments:
True. I am sad for all the funny things we will never hear.
Good call. He was great a St. Paul guy like you and me. I'll be back someday.
nice to see you branching out further into cyberspace, madison - you're welcome anytime. especially if you want to talk shit about zone defense. man...why do they always insist on playing zone like a bunch of lazies...they're just afraid of what happens when they try to D up certain people man to man.
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