"A Fine Mess"

The task of distilling a feature length movie into a one-sentence synopsis to be used as a guide of sorts is surely a difficult task. But though I recognize the difficulty inherent in such an endeavor and I know that I would without question have tremendous difficulty if I were to try to complete such a task, I often can't help but find many of them hilarious. Not only do they end up sounding ridiculous, but also they just don't entice me to watch the movie. The most recent example of this that I have come across is for the 1986 film "A Fine Mess", the synopsis of which reads:

Two small-timers (Ted Danson, Howie Mandel) win a fixed horse race, buy an antique piano and are chased by gangsters.

Gee, can I please see that? Why must you show it at 3:30am, WB network? Don't you know that I should be sleeping and/or wasting my time on this infernal intranet at that time and that you should be showing such an exciting film at a time more conducive to my watching?

But actually, though my initial reaction was that based on that synopsis there is no way I would want to watch that movie, after some rumination I think I unfairly judged this one. Yes, it does indeed sound ridiculous. But I realize I can't fairly say it does not entice me to watch the film.

Because really: "buy an antique piano"?

If this is a major part of the plot of the film - as it must be if it warrants mention in a sentence-long synopsis, alongside such heavy-hitting plot devices as a fixed horse race and being chased by gangsters - I am left with a burning curiosity as to what is so enthralling about this antique piano. Perhaps it is haunted with the ghost of Franz Liszt? Or began its career as an alien spacecraft?

Because, I mean, really.

Either it has to be a really interesting antique piano, or the process of buying it must be really fascinating. Perhaps they bought the antique piano from Jack Ruby, who needed money to buy his soon-to-be-fateful pistol, thus enmeshing the "two small-timers" in one of the greatest conspiracy theories of all time. Or maybe the seller, before he will agree to sell them the piano, abandons them on a deserted island inhabited with ruthless genetically altered sharks with legs and guns for mouths that live and breathe on land and have a particular blood lust for small-timers. They can only purchase the piano if the two of them somehow manage to survive the sharks with guns for mouths and find their way back to Budapest, where they can finally get their hands on Liszt's old piano.

And are the gangsters chasing the small-timers because they have bought the antique piano? Why? Do the gangsters want the piano? Were they unable to complete the island full of sharks with guns for mouths test set forth by the demanding seller, and thus have resorted to obtaining the piano by less than savory means (less savory than murdering some poor defenseless sharks with guns for mouths, that is...).

Or is it the Jack Ruby connection again?

These questions are 'literally' burning in my mind. [i couldn't resist bringing up the literally complaint here, though that is an issue for another time and another place. well, actually, this is probably a pretty good place. but another time...] Maybe someone has seen the movie and can tell me?

But at the same time, the synopsis does have its shortcomings. By prominently mentioning the film's two "stars" (in this case the quotes are not meant to indicate that I am actually quoting anything, but rather are meant to indicate sarcasm on my behalf) Ted Danson and Howie Mandel, the writer of the synopsis did still manage to un-entice [what? - it's my blog, so I get to use my words] me to see the movie. If it were me and I was writing a synopsis for anything but a sitcom featuring a weathered former baseball player/playboy who owns a bar or a long running cartoon featuring an imaginative young boy called Bobby Generic, I would have left those two out. But nobody can be perfect all of the time, I suppose.