An Open Letter to the IMDB
Ah, Internet Movie Database, my dear old friend…
Without your vast wealth of information regarding the latest big-screen talkies, where else would I turn when I feel the urgent need to replace, piece by piece, significant portions of the useful knowledge I learned throughout my years of schooling with trivial facts about the cinema which may or may not be needed someday for a potential war with cultureless government-bred Mega Soldiers, during which the fate of the human race may, to everyone’s surprise, depend on those who have an inordinate amount of useless movie trivia at their disposal. [The answer to that question, by the way, is I don’t know. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that and I haven’t had to turn elsewhere. And hopefully it will stay that way].
So yes, I’ll admit it: I (but not only I – perhaps the human race as well, somewhere deep in the future) am greatly indebted to you. But the strength of this awe and devotion that characterizes my feelings toward you and your all-knowingness cannot stop me from feeling compelled to take issue with a recent piece of writing that appeared on you.
The piece of writing in question, apparently written by one Mark Englehart, appeared under the IMDB “Movie of the Day” listing this particular day. Now, this we should get straight right off the bat: Mr. Englehart deserves no criticism for his choice of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure as the movie of the day, for, as he so correctly points out, the film “[proves] to be, well, most excellent, dude!”
Instead, my issue with Mr. Englehart’s piece is the presence within it of one of my bigger pet peeves of late. Specifically, his claim that the film “literally catapulted "Excellent!" and "Dude!" into the American vernacular” really burns my goat.
Really, Mr. Englehart?
The film literally catapulted those words into our vernacular?
Really?
I was not aware that films even knew how to build/obtain catapults, let alone were able to operate them sufficiently well enough to catapult two words, themselves not actual physical objects, in a vernacular, itself again not an actual physical object.
This, were it to be true, would thus be quite the amazing feat!
But alas, despite my best attempts to stick to my belief that the universe is indeed filled with both unbridled wonderment and joyous amazement, I have a hard time believing it to be true that the film literally loaded these words into the sling of a catapult and sent them flying directly into the American vernacular.
If I didn’t know better, Mr. Englehart, I would say you are pulling my chain for one reason or another. Perhaps you were exaggerating a tad? I understand that you may enjoy the film quite a bit. Perhaps it was even moving and educational enough to change your life in some fashion. If so, I am happy for you and for the fact that you were able to experience such a successful life change at the hands of this fine piece of cinema. But is it really necessary to give the film credit for an accomplishment that seems so highly improbable? Don’t you think you have taken things a little far?
And you, IMDB…oh you…
Perhaps in your haste, IMDB, you posted his review without reading it carefully enough to notice such a blatant lie. While this is, to some degree, understandable – to keep up with the amount of information you so consistently provide surely must be quite an arduous task – it is by no means acceptable.
Now, IMDB, I do not know how you are acquainted with Mr. Englehart. Perhaps he is a friend of yours? An old college buddy, maybe? Perhaps he wrote this for you after you asked him “Could you do me a solid”? Maybe you two still sit at the same weekly poker game you have sat at for the last 20 years? Well, IMDB, if this is indeed the case, I strongly urge you to call him out on his lie next time you see him. If this occasion happens to occur at the next poker game, there is no need to make a scene – you can (though it may be difficult, I know) at least attempt to play the game as if nothing was out of the ordinary. But before the night ends - perhaps while you two are shooting the bull in the driveway after the game? - I expect you to have a little conversation with Mr. Englehart. I hope that the situation between you two can be resolved amicably; but, if not, don’t hesitate to throw hands if need be, IMDB. These things need resolution, and sometimes fisticuffs are the only way anything will get resolved around here anymore.
And if it looks like it is going to come to that, IMDB, feel free to give me a call on my cell for backup. I know some pretty wicked Judo moves and between the two of us I’m pretty sure we would literally be able to punch and roundhouse-kick his ass right back to the Stone Age.
Without your vast wealth of information regarding the latest big-screen talkies, where else would I turn when I feel the urgent need to replace, piece by piece, significant portions of the useful knowledge I learned throughout my years of schooling with trivial facts about the cinema which may or may not be needed someday for a potential war with cultureless government-bred Mega Soldiers, during which the fate of the human race may, to everyone’s surprise, depend on those who have an inordinate amount of useless movie trivia at their disposal. [The answer to that question, by the way, is I don’t know. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that and I haven’t had to turn elsewhere. And hopefully it will stay that way].
So yes, I’ll admit it: I (but not only I – perhaps the human race as well, somewhere deep in the future) am greatly indebted to you. But the strength of this awe and devotion that characterizes my feelings toward you and your all-knowingness cannot stop me from feeling compelled to take issue with a recent piece of writing that appeared on you.
The piece of writing in question, apparently written by one Mark Englehart, appeared under the IMDB “Movie of the Day” listing this particular day. Now, this we should get straight right off the bat: Mr. Englehart deserves no criticism for his choice of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure as the movie of the day, for, as he so correctly points out, the film “[proves] to be, well, most excellent, dude!”
Instead, my issue with Mr. Englehart’s piece is the presence within it of one of my bigger pet peeves of late. Specifically, his claim that the film “literally catapulted "Excellent!" and "Dude!" into the American vernacular” really burns my goat.
Really, Mr. Englehart?
The film literally catapulted those words into our vernacular?
Really?
I was not aware that films even knew how to build/obtain catapults, let alone were able to operate them sufficiently well enough to catapult two words, themselves not actual physical objects, in a vernacular, itself again not an actual physical object.
This, were it to be true, would thus be quite the amazing feat!
But alas, despite my best attempts to stick to my belief that the universe is indeed filled with both unbridled wonderment and joyous amazement, I have a hard time believing it to be true that the film literally loaded these words into the sling of a catapult and sent them flying directly into the American vernacular.
If I didn’t know better, Mr. Englehart, I would say you are pulling my chain for one reason or another. Perhaps you were exaggerating a tad? I understand that you may enjoy the film quite a bit. Perhaps it was even moving and educational enough to change your life in some fashion. If so, I am happy for you and for the fact that you were able to experience such a successful life change at the hands of this fine piece of cinema. But is it really necessary to give the film credit for an accomplishment that seems so highly improbable? Don’t you think you have taken things a little far?
And you, IMDB…oh you…
Perhaps in your haste, IMDB, you posted his review without reading it carefully enough to notice such a blatant lie. While this is, to some degree, understandable – to keep up with the amount of information you so consistently provide surely must be quite an arduous task – it is by no means acceptable.
Now, IMDB, I do not know how you are acquainted with Mr. Englehart. Perhaps he is a friend of yours? An old college buddy, maybe? Perhaps he wrote this for you after you asked him “Could you do me a solid”? Maybe you two still sit at the same weekly poker game you have sat at for the last 20 years? Well, IMDB, if this is indeed the case, I strongly urge you to call him out on his lie next time you see him. If this occasion happens to occur at the next poker game, there is no need to make a scene – you can (though it may be difficult, I know) at least attempt to play the game as if nothing was out of the ordinary. But before the night ends - perhaps while you two are shooting the bull in the driveway after the game? - I expect you to have a little conversation with Mr. Englehart. I hope that the situation between you two can be resolved amicably; but, if not, don’t hesitate to throw hands if need be, IMDB. These things need resolution, and sometimes fisticuffs are the only way anything will get resolved around here anymore.
And if it looks like it is going to come to that, IMDB, feel free to give me a call on my cell for backup. I know some pretty wicked Judo moves and between the two of us I’m pretty sure we would literally be able to punch and roundhouse-kick his ass right back to the Stone Age.
posted by Josh Peterson at 12:20 AM
2 Comments:
What's with all the interesting/funny posts lately? I was getting used to seeing the same one at the top everytime I checked...
yeah, see...
i figured i should wait until i knew no one was checking/reading this thing anymore, and only then put new things up. brilliant plan, no? and then you had to go and ruin everything...
jeez.
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