wryly sly / slyly awry

Literally Irresistible

2005-09-27T01:08:00.000-05:00

Ah, I just can’t resist…

For, you see, I sometimes have a nasty habit of correcting people and pointing out their mistakes. (Not that I myself don’t make mistakes – I am quite certain I do, but nine times out of ten they are 'artistic' mistakes. um. or something.). So please allow me to (re)indulge that habit now, as it pertains to last night’s post.

While perusing the latest fantasy basketball (yes, feel free to poke fun at my enjoyable, and at least in last year’s case, lucrative, timewaster all you wish) prognostications, I came across this wonderful observation written by an Erick Schutte for rotowire.com:

After averaging 12.4 points, 6.8 assists and 3.6 rebounds in 39 games for Illinois last season, Williams is almost guaranteed to start at PG for a Utah team that literally kicked last year's starter, Carlos Arroyo, out the door.

Really, Mr. Schutte?

Now I know Utah was unhappy with Arroyo, but did someone literally strike him with the lower extremity of his or her vertebrate leg, causing Arroyo to be forced across the threshold separating the Jazz facilities and the outside world?

And if so, who?

Did 63-year-old Jazz Coach and primary Arroyo hater Gerald Eugene “Jerry” Sloan take it upon himself to do it? Or did he pass the buck (shoe?) upward to 61-year-old owner Larry H. Miller? Or did they hire someone from the outside? Some sort of Mercenary? Are there ads in the Yellow Pages for that sort of thing? 1-800-IKICKEM?

These questions are extremely important. I will die if I don’t find out the answers. Literally, dude.

An Open Letter to the IMDB

2005-09-25T00:20:00.000-05:00

Ah, Internet Movie Database, my dear old friend…

Without your vast wealth of information regarding the latest big-screen talkies, where else would I turn when I feel the urgent need to replace, piece by piece, significant portions of the useful knowledge I learned throughout my years of schooling with trivial facts about the cinema which may or may not be needed someday for a potential war with cultureless government-bred Mega Soldiers, during which the fate of the human race may, to everyone’s surprise, depend on those who have an inordinate amount of useless movie trivia at their disposal. [The answer to that question, by the way, is I don’t know. Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that and I haven’t had to turn elsewhere. And hopefully it will stay that way].

So yes, I’ll admit it: I (but not only I – perhaps the human race as well, somewhere deep in the future) am greatly indebted to you. But the strength of this awe and devotion that characterizes my feelings toward you and your all-knowingness cannot stop me from feeling compelled to take issue with a recent piece of writing that appeared on you.

The piece of writing in question, apparently written by one Mark Englehart, appeared under the IMDB “Movie of the Day” listing this particular day. Now, this we should get straight right off the bat: Mr. Englehart deserves no criticism for his choice of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure as the movie of the day, for, as he so correctly points out, the film “[proves] to be, well, most excellent, dude!”

Instead, my issue with Mr. Englehart’s piece is the presence within it of one of my bigger pet peeves of late. Specifically, his claim that the film “literally catapulted "Excellent!" and "Dude!" into the American vernacular” really burns my goat.

Really, Mr. Englehart?
The film literally catapulted those words into our vernacular?
Really?

I was not aware that films even knew how to build/obtain catapults, let alone were able to operate them sufficiently well enough to catapult two words, themselves not actual physical objects, in a vernacular, itself again not an actual physical object.

This, were it to be true, would thus be quite the amazing feat!

But alas, despite my best attempts to stick to my belief that the universe is indeed filled with both unbridled wonderment and joyous amazement, I have a hard time believing it to be true that the film literally loaded these words into the sling of a catapult and sent them flying directly into the American vernacular.

If I didn’t know better, Mr. Englehart, I would say you are pulling my chain for one reason or another. Perhaps you were exaggerating a tad? I understand that you may enjoy the film quite a bit. Perhaps it was even moving and educational enough to change your life in some fashion. If so, I am happy for you and for the fact that you were able to experience such a successful life change at the hands of this fine piece of cinema. But is it really necessary to give the film credit for an accomplishment that seems so highly improbable? Don’t you think you have taken things a little far?

And you, IMDB…oh you…

Perhaps in your haste, IMDB, you posted his review without reading it carefully enough to notice such a blatant lie. While this is, to some degree, understandable – to keep up with the amount of information you so consistently provide surely must be quite an arduous task – it is by no means acceptable.

Now, IMDB, I do not know how you are acquainted with Mr. Englehart. Perhaps he is a friend of yours? An old college buddy, maybe? Perhaps he wrote this for you after you asked him “Could you do me a solid”? Maybe you two still sit at the same weekly poker game you have sat at for the last 20 years? Well, IMDB, if this is indeed the case, I strongly urge you to call him out on his lie next time you see him. If this occasion happens to occur at the next poker game, there is no need to make a scene – you can (though it may be difficult, I know) at least attempt to play the game as if nothing was out of the ordinary. But before the night ends - perhaps while you two are shooting the bull in the driveway after the game? - I expect you to have a little conversation with Mr. Englehart. I hope that the situation between you two can be resolved amicably; but, if not, don’t hesitate to throw hands if need be, IMDB. These things need resolution, and sometimes fisticuffs are the only way anything will get resolved around here anymore.

And if it looks like it is going to come to that, IMDB, feel free to give me a call on my cell for backup. I know some pretty wicked Judo moves and between the two of us I’m pretty sure we would literally be able to punch and roundhouse-kick his ass right back to the Stone Age.

President Walken?

2005-08-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

(A note for you "West Wing" followers: no, this is not a post about the short-lived fictional Missouri Republican Representative/Speaker of the House turned temporary President Glenallen "Glen" Walken, so memorably (for better or worse...) portrayed on "The West Wing" by John Goodman. Sorry to disappoint.)

Bogus or no? -
Christopher Walken for President 2008.

I'm going with bogus.

But it does bring up the interesting (and truly important, if you ask me) question - If Ronald "Call me Ronnie" "Don't call me Ronnie anymore I prefer to be known as Christopher" "I really prefer being called Chris to Christopher because I think my adopted name Christopher sounds like a sneeze" Walken ran for President, would I vote for him?

Sure, he has that 'capable of taking over the world and subjecting it to his ruthless and totalitarian control and then spending hours laughing maniacally about it with that crazed evil look in his two-different-colored eyes' look about him, but then again on the flip side his choreographing and dancing in the video for Fatboy Slim's 'Weapon of Choice' is almost enough to make me vote for him just out of principle.

So really it's a toss-up between the prospect of slave life under the authoritarian regime of the all-benevolent Walken (I figure he would drop the first name once becoming dictator) and having a leader capable of a level of entertaiment value unparalleled throughout Oval Office history.

But fear not, as there are more factors to consider - The decisive factor for him getting my vote is the following quote of his, which when pictured coming out of his mouth is fairly hilarious:

"Bear costumes are funny... Bears as well."

Indeed. Bear costumes are funny.

How right you are Mr. Walken.

Or should I say, President Walken.

You asked for it, or, possibly as if within a piece of dialogue (some type of drama, perhaps): You: Asked for it

2005-07-19T01:53:00.000-05:00

Ok, you asked for it, Alex Garnett.

A blog post just about those of you reading this thing, as you say. This is what you have asked for.

So here, instead of posting my comments in response to your comments in the comments section of my last post (which is the proper place for comments [especially when they are commenting on past comments]) I will post them as an entirely new post. Will this satiate your narcissistic desire for recognition?

I sure hope so.

So now, without further ado, the comments (note, this may, nay won't, make much if any sense unless you first read the comments section of the previous post, entitled "A Fine Mess" [which is not to say it will necessarily make any sense if you do...]):

I read, I read!
I read, and I like.

And while it is without question nice to be loved by an obviously fictitious person named Alex Garnett (there is Kevin Garnett, there is his wife Brandi Garnett, but I believe they have no children. So there is no Alex Garnett. C'mon, get serious here. There are two Garnetts and neither are named Alex, so Alex Garnett must be a nom de guerre. It doesn’t take a world-class detective like Perry Mason to figure that one out…), praise from Perry Mason himself is the true definition of heartwarming.

I am glad that you have found my blog, Perry.

But I must wonder: perhaps your lovely secretary Della Street actually found it for you? Are you trying to out-guile me here by making me believe you found the bloody thing yourself? Trying to pull a fast one? I'm no chicken born the day before today. Did you actually do any legwork here?

Either way, I appreciate the best the fact that you say I am the best. That is the best.

And yes, I know: voids. Can’t be loved. To truly love one must be loved back, I know. I do not mean to be a void. I will do what I can to avoid it. HAHAHA! Get it!?! Because the word 'void' is in the word 'avoid'. HA! And the word 'avoid' is similar to the word 'void' plus the article 'a', as in 'a void'. HAHAHA! So when I wrote in the one sentence 'a void', and then in the next sentence 'avoid', that was a funny. HAHAHAHA!

But in serious now for a second too again: I do not mean to trivialize your comments either, Alex Garnett. In spite of your obviously fake moniker/personality, I appreciate your insightful contributions regarding the major motion picture "A Fine Mess". I also appreciate your word of thanks - to make you think is always on my list of goals, though at times it is probably buried below many others. In this case it is below my goal to confuse you with writing that Microsoft Word tells me is at the level of a 5.7th grader. (Mind the decimal point – I am not attempting to brag and say I write like a 57th grader. That’s 5.7.)

And speaking again of motion pictures, have you seen the film "Touching the Void"?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Get it?

VOID?!?

har de har har.

ow.

"A Fine Mess"

2005-07-16T15:31:00.000-05:00

The task of distilling a feature length movie into a one-sentence synopsis to be used as a guide of sorts is surely a difficult task. But though I recognize the difficulty inherent in such an endeavor and I know that I would without question have tremendous difficulty if I were to try to complete such a task, I often can't help but find many of them hilarious. Not only do they end up sounding ridiculous, but also they just don't entice me to watch the movie. The most recent example of this that I have come across is for the 1986 film "A Fine Mess", the synopsis of which reads:

Two small-timers (Ted Danson, Howie Mandel) win a fixed horse race, buy an antique piano and are chased by gangsters.

Gee, can I please see that? Why must you show it at 3:30am, WB network? Don't you know that I should be sleeping and/or wasting my time on this infernal intranet at that time and that you should be showing such an exciting film at a time more conducive to my watching?

But actually, though my initial reaction was that based on that synopsis there is no way I would want to watch that movie, after some rumination I think I unfairly judged this one. Yes, it does indeed sound ridiculous. But I realize I can't fairly say it does not entice me to watch the film.

Because really: "buy an antique piano"?

If this is a major part of the plot of the film - as it must be if it warrants mention in a sentence-long synopsis, alongside such heavy-hitting plot devices as a fixed horse race and being chased by gangsters - I am left with a burning curiosity as to what is so enthralling about this antique piano. Perhaps it is haunted with the ghost of Franz Liszt? Or began its career as an alien spacecraft?

Because, I mean, really.

Either it has to be a really interesting antique piano, or the process of buying it must be really fascinating. Perhaps they bought the antique piano from Jack Ruby, who needed money to buy his soon-to-be-fateful pistol, thus enmeshing the "two small-timers" in one of the greatest conspiracy theories of all time. Or maybe the seller, before he will agree to sell them the piano, abandons them on a deserted island inhabited with ruthless genetically altered sharks with legs and guns for mouths that live and breathe on land and have a particular blood lust for small-timers. They can only purchase the piano if the two of them somehow manage to survive the sharks with guns for mouths and find their way back to Budapest, where they can finally get their hands on Liszt's old piano.

And are the gangsters chasing the small-timers because they have bought the antique piano? Why? Do the gangsters want the piano? Were they unable to complete the island full of sharks with guns for mouths test set forth by the demanding seller, and thus have resorted to obtaining the piano by less than savory means (less savory than murdering some poor defenseless sharks with guns for mouths, that is...).

Or is it the Jack Ruby connection again?

These questions are 'literally' burning in my mind. [i couldn't resist bringing up the literally complaint here, though that is an issue for another time and another place. well, actually, this is probably a pretty good place. but another time...] Maybe someone has seen the movie and can tell me?

But at the same time, the synopsis does have its shortcomings. By prominently mentioning the film's two "stars" (in this case the quotes are not meant to indicate that I am actually quoting anything, but rather are meant to indicate sarcasm on my behalf) Ted Danson and Howie Mandel, the writer of the synopsis did still manage to un-entice [what? - it's my blog, so I get to use my words] me to see the movie. If it were me and I was writing a synopsis for anything but a sitcom featuring a weathered former baseball player/playboy who owns a bar or a long running cartoon featuring an imaginative young boy called Bobby Generic, I would have left those two out. But nobody can be perfect all of the time, I suppose.

another hastily prepared (yet long) wolves thing for your (dis?)pleasure

2005-07-02T06:59:00.000-05:00

Draft Reaction:

It’s funny how quickly things can change. If you had told me in the hours before Tuesday’s 2005 NBA draft that the Timberwolves were going to select Rashad McCants, I would have been if not happy, at least deeply relieved.

Relieved because it would have meant that the Wolves had not selected Louisville’s Francisco Garcia, whom most people in the know had forecasted as going to the Wolves. The reasoning for this prediction was solid: both recently hired draft consultant Rex Chapman and recently hired head coach Dwayne Casey were said to be very high on Garcia, and both have strong connections to college basketball in Kentucky where Garcia played. Of course, being of the opinion that Garcia was not at all a good fit for the Wolves’ needs but knowing the draft history of the Wolves franchise, I feared the worst. So, with this fear in mind, the very fact that McCants is not Garcia would have brought me a sense of relief, any maybe even satisfaction.

But, that evening in the minutes and hours after the selection of McCants, I was once again left feeling frustrated and annoyed with the drafting abilities of Kevin McHale and his cronies. Once again they had managed to mess up another draft and let the franchise down.

So what happened to cause such a seesaw type reaction? I wish I could tell you it was because of something exciting, like McCants having been involved in some sort of freak accident involving DNA-altering test drugs that initially threatened his career but ultimately fundamentally altered the structure of his DNA and imbued him with basketball super abilities (sorry…I’ve seen too many “Fantastic Four” movie trailers lately…). But no - the truth, though it appeared a bit surprising on draft night, was far less exciting and far more predictable than it appeared to be at the time.

On its surface, the draft appeared to play out very bizarrely, not conforming to any of the plethora of Mock Drafts that appeared leading up to the event. Specifically, with Toronto’s choice of former UCONN star Charlie Villanueva at #7 (which, at the time, seemed very…um…“inspired?”…or “eccentric?”), the entire first round was thrown on its head. Because of Toronto’s pick and its ramifications, most of the guys who were supposed to go in the #7-#13 range – guys like Gerald Green, Antoine Wright, Joey Graham, and Danny Granger, ended up being supplanted by a group of guys who were expected to go a bit later.

While this initially appeared shocking, in retrospect it really shouldn’t be seen that way. All that happened was that GM’s once again, as is the case every year, couldn’t resist the irresistible lure of that evil temptress known as size when it came down to decision time. Drafting players high based on size has led to more than a few disasters - players like Kwame Brown, Dasagna Diop, and even our own Michael Olowokandi haven’t lived up to their draft position - but that doesn’t seem to stop GM’s from trying. Every year, it seems, GM’s can’t stand the thought of passing on the potential of a big man with any skill. So when Toronto got the ball rolling with Charlie V., teams began to panic and decided to snatch up the big men while they still had the chance. As a result, this year the candidates for big men going earlier than they should have are the aforementioned Charlie Villanueva, as well as Andrew Bynum (#10), Fran Vasquez (#11), and Sean May (#13). As each of these players was selected, the guys who were supposed to have been chosen in this range continued to drop.

Once Los Angeles chose Bynum at #10, it became clear that at least one of the talented swingmen projected to go in the #7-#13 range (Gerald Green, Antoine Wright, Joey Graham, or Danny Granger) would be available at #14. And by the time Charlotte took May at #13, it became apparent that the Wolves could have their pick of any of these four.

At this point, I couldn’t believe our good fortune. Four incredibly talented, top-10 quality picks were ours for the choosing. Sure, McHale and Co. have made some boneheaded draft picks, but there was no way to screw this one up!

(Ok…I should mention that I still couldn’t help but imagine the worst, such as either a) the Wolves being so dedicated to their scouting that they still selected Garcia despite the other talent still on the board, or – and I didn’t think this was entirely out of the realm of possibility – b) the Wolves brass being so surprised at what had happened that they weren’t able to make a pick before their allotted 5 minutes were up and thus would have missed out on their pick).

It turns out that while they didn’t have to give up their pick, I did still manage to give them too much credit, at least in my thinking at the time. Needless to say, I was shocked, frustrated, and disappointed with the selection of Rashad McCants. Just as I would’ve been relieved with McCants because he wasn’t Garcia when I thought Garcia was going to be the choice, I was disappointed immediately with McCants because he wasn’t Green, Wright, Granger, or Graham.

The reasons why were simple to me at the time. Granger was supposedly a lock for #6 before Utah traded out of the pick, and was one of the most NBA ready and versatile players in the draft, being able to play inside and outside and guard four positions. Green is said to have endless potential - the next Tracy McGrady. Graham is an athletic beast, a Corey Maggette clone who can take the ball to the basket and finish fearlessly. Wright is the complete offensive player (his unique combination of slashing ability and great perimeter shot have drawn him comparisons to Ray Allen) as well as a great passer and pesky defender. The Timberwolves needed all of these attributes badly, and any of these guys would have been an absolute steal at #14. .

On the other hand, what the Wolves most definitely did not need, I thought at the time, was Rashad McCants. Sure, he has the ability and skill to take the ball to the basket and score. But he has a reputation for more often than not choosing to settle for a perimeter shot. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as he is a fantastic perimeter shooter; however, barring a trade this off-season, the Wolves already have Wally Szczerbiak, and they don’t exactly need another shooter. They need someone who can score one on one.

But this was a minor issue compared to concerns over McCants’s attitude. For one, though he is clearly athletic enough to be a great defender (as most NBA players are), his defense is often sub par, usually attributed to the fact that he does not have the desire to put forth the effort to play good defense. Following his selection, one of the ESPN analysts said something to the effect of “If I had a nickel for every time he buckled down and actually guarded someone, I’d have a nickel”. Not a good sign for a team that desperately needs help on the defensive end of the floor. And the thought of a backcourt/SF tandem of Cassell, McCants, and Szczerbiak is simply frightening with regard to defense (or mouthwatering, depending on your perspective, I suppose).

Couple that with the fact that he has a long tradition of other character related incidents at UNC (getting thrown off the bench for refusing to cheer for his teammates, likening his time at UNC to being in prison, not being selected for an all-star team despite being more than worthy skill-wise because of his attitude, etc.) and it seemed like McHale and Co. decided that in drafting a SG to replace Latrell Sprewell they decided to draft Latrell Sprewell version 2.0.

Yet somehow, the whole situation just wasn’t that easy. The seesaw didn't end there.

As I think and hear more about McCants, I find my attitude of disappointment and pessimism being gradually overtaken by a growing sense of optimism. Cautious – very cautious – optimism, mind you - but optimism nonetheless. Sure, some of the other guys available might have been great. But then again, maybe not: Do they Wolves (and, more importantly, does KG) really have time to wait for Green to become the next T-Mac? Do they really need someone with questionable knees who has been described as a smaller and less talented Eddie Griffin (Granger)?

And more importantly, while McCants has his shortcomings (questionable defense, lack of size that may make it difficult for him to get his shot off in the NBA against bigger SGs, etc.), he is also a tremendously talented offensive player and brings to the Wolves a number of characteristics that they desperately need. For one, he will provide a heavy dose of athleticism, something they have sorely lacked after having only one first round draft pick in the last five years. In fact, he ranked third overall in athleticism at the Chicago predraft camp, ahead of Wright, Green, and Granger.

And while the Wolves have a number of guys who can score when plays are run for them or when their open (Wally, Hassell, Hoiberg, etc.), they also desperately need someone who can create their own shot and score in a one on one situation. McCants was arguably the best pure scorer in the NCAA last year, and should be able to come in and immediately provide a much-needed scoring punch off the bench. He has the ability the score at the rim if he wants to, but he also has a fantastic perimeter shot. And the combination of great pure shooting and athleticism is not easy to come by (just look at a player like Corey Maggette at one end of the spectrum, and maybe a guy like Kyle Korver at the other). This is exactly what new head coach Dwayne Casey has been looking for – somehow who can not only hit shots but also penetrate and break down the defense and either score himself or set up easy opportunities for his teammates to score. Add to this the fact that uber-role player and three-point specialist Fred Hoiberg may miss a good portion if not all of the season after heart surgery, and McCants’s perimeter shooting will come in very handy.

In addition, while height-wise McCants is undersized at the two position (at around 6’ 3”), his wingspan is actually 6’10.75” and his standing reach is 8’7.5”. These numbers rank him right alongside players like Green, Wright, Granger, and Graham, and are plenty high for him to be a superb defender, should he put his mind to it.

And while his character background is without question worrisome, he did play three seasons for one of the NCAA’s most successful programs, and he did win a national championship. As a result he is both used to winning and has big game experience.

So I can’t help now but to hope that maybe he will be able to have the type of immediate impact that Ben Gordon (another great scorer/questionable defender from a successful college program with a national championship) had last year in Chicago. If the Wolves could rely on McCants to come into the game in the fourth quarter and put up a bunch of points in a hurry and take over the game, the potential downsides will be a lot easier to overlook.

And so while the team might have missed out on the next T-Mac, I’ll gladly take the next Ben Gordon.

In fact, at this point I’ll be happy with even less than Ben Gordon, as long as he contributes more than the last #14 pick the Wolves had (Will Avery) and more than the last shooting guard with big talent and bigger question marks about his attitude the Wolves drafted (J.R. Rider).

Looking at a draft history like that, it’s not hard to understand why it’s difficult for a Wolves fan to escape their sense of pessimism when approaching a situation like this. But why not give the guy a chance, right? At the very least let him play a game first.

So here’s to hoping that McCants, like KG was able to do ten years ago, can bring a sense of optimism and legitimate championship aspirations back to the franchise.

good luck wish for the Mayor

2005-06-25T02:16:00.000-05:00

also, as long as i'm on this whole posting kick and as long as i'm on the subject of the timberpups, here's one more:

apparently my favorite timberwolf fred hoiberg must undergo heart surgery. i wish him the best and i hope that he gets all the care and service appropriate to his status as mayor.

Timberwolves 2005 Draft Outlook

2005-06-25T02:02:00.000-05:00

In case anyone is curious about the minutiae of the upcoming NBA draft, retransmitted below is a hastily written article thing i wrote that appeared on the excellent and invaluable internet sports resource www.realgm.com (with some typos, unfortunately, though there are probably still plenty more in this version too...haste makes...er...typos).

now i figure i can go another month and a half without posting until you clowns start getting on my case about not posting again, right?

i jest, i jest.

i shall try to be better about it in order to keep all 6 (who am i kidding...3) of you entertained.

here's the link to the article in its native habitat too, in case your curiosity strikes you.

now without further ado...

Timberwolves 2005 Draft Outlook

The 2005 draft class differs from many in recent years in that it clearly lacks a predestined, surefire superstar - someone like Lebron James or Tim Duncan or Yao Ming – at the top. Instead, the potential top two picks are a guy whose best-case scenario comparison is Vlade Divac (Andrew Bogut) and a guy who has a ton of upside but who didn’t even start during the one year he spent in college (Marvin Williams). However, while the draft lacks the marquee star quality at the top, analysts and scouts are calling the class one of the deeper talent pools in recent memory, with an unusually high number of quality players and prospects. As a result, while there is no surefire star, thanks to the uncharacteristic depth there is an even better chance than usual that a team not selecting until the late lottery/mid first round may be able to get lucky and snag a player who will become a major contributor.

This is great news for the Minnesota Timberwolves, who after finishing a disappointing ninth in the Western Conference, choose 14th in the draft.

It’s great news because the team is just now starting to feel the worst of the Joe Smith fiasco (for those who may not know, backdoor salary dealings with Smith prompted the league to strip the Wolves of three of their last four first round draft picks). While it stung at the time, the lack of youth and athleticism caused by not having these picks has, over the past year, becoming glaringly obvious as the team continues to grow old fast. Sprewell’s age showed in the fact that he basically could no longer dunk last season (he bricked more dunk attempts than he made). Cassell can barely walk, let alone play defense or run a team. Hudson is playing on glass ankles, and even if he wasn’t he isn’t athletic enough to be a decent defender or a top-level penetrator. Hoiberg is a fantastic role player, but athleticism and Hoiberg are two words that aren’t often found in the same sentence together. Sure, KG is in his prime, but how long will that last? So when many (ok, some…ok, a few of us at least) fans are looking to potential bust Ndudi Ebi as the great hope of bringing athleticism and youth back to this team, you know the team is in trouble.

Which is why a homerun at #14 is necessary. The Wolves can’t stand to go another year in which they don’t come out with a young guy who will be able to meaningfully contribute in the short and long term. And the fact that the draft class is said to be so deep and uniformly strong in the mid to late first round makes it much more possible for the Wolves to acquire a young stud to help turn them from a group whose best days (and championship hopes) are behind them into a team that has any hope for the future. And that’s the worst-case scenario with a homerun. Best case (a grand slam instead of a home run?) is that with most of the pieces they have now, plus the addition of an athletic young player who can contribute immediately (like Ben Gordon for the Bulls last season?), they can again regain their delicate balance around KG well enough to compete right away. After all, with relatively the same team they did go to the Western Conference Finals 2 years ago. Replace Spree with a younger version of himself and make a few more tweaks and they might be back on track.

The bad news is that the Wolves have a frightening history with the #14 pick. In 1999, they selected Duke point guard Will Avery with the #14 pick, ahead of players like Ron Artest, Andrei Kirilenko, Manu Ginobili, James Posey…heck, even Jeff Foster, Kenny Thomas, and Devean George. Needless to say, Avery turned out to be a major bust. Not a good omen.

It’s an even worse omen when you consider many people’s views on what the Wolves’ draft priorities should be. Along with a center (since when does a team not need a center?), many are saying a point guard should be the top priority. While there is no question that the team’s pg situation is not is the best of shape (Hudson’s glass ankles and bad defense backing up Cassell’s rundown body and atrocious defense…), the Wolves shouldn’t rush out to get a pg just to get a pg, unless they are planning on trading Hudson or Cassell. They met with disastrous results in 1999 by drafting Avery to backup up Terrell Brandon – they don’t want to repeat the mistake this year.

If the best player available at #14 happens to be a PG, then by all means they should grab him. However, there is no logic in reaching down to grab a third string pg when there are plenty of other holes to fill (basically every position except Garnett’s). With Spree likely gone and now the news that role player extraordinaire Fred Hoiberg may miss a portion of the season – or, even worse, may have to retire - after heart surgery, the SG/SF position suddenly is much more open. And with new coach Dwayne Casey most likely looking both to run more and to acquire someone who can penetrate and break down the defense and score at the rim, a young athletic swingman could be very helpful. At the same time, last year’s center platoon of Michael Olowokandi, CBA vet and mid-season signee John Thomas, and locker room leader/dinosaur Ervin Johnson (likely to be gone this summer) could use a makeover too.

So with all of that in mind, the most promising prospects who the Wolves should hope drop to #14 are:

Antoine Wright -
6’7”, 210 lbs., Texas A&M.
Wright is very athletic – he is very quick, with a quick first step, and is a very good leaper. These qualities make him an excellent slasher, able to get into the paint and finish at the rim. In addition, he is a superb perimeter shooter, which, coupled with his slashing ability, makes him a total offensive threat. His ability to create his own offense with his athleticism would be extremely helpful for a Wolves team that lacks any one on one offensive players. Also a good passer and, thanks to his quickness, wingspan, and effort, a quality defender. Draftexpress.com lists his best-case scenario as Ray Allen, worst case the Miami Heat version of Eddie Jones

Joey Graham
6’7”, 216 lbs., SF, Oklahoma St.
Even more so than Wright, Graham is a superb athlete. He tested as the number one athlete at the Chicago pre-draft combine, and his body type, athleticism, and finishing abilities are often compared to Corey Maggette. And while his jumping ability and strength allow him to finish at will around the basket, he also has a great mid range game. An extremely effective defender as well, especially against smaller swingmen. Like Wright, he would provide the Wolves with a much needed slasher-type swingman.

Yaroslav Korolev
6’9”, 215, SF, Russia
While this pick would be more about potential (a risky move as Garnett’s – and the team’s – window of opportunity creeps toward closing), Korolev’s upside is almost too much to pass on. He’s a much better athlete than most Europeans are, and his athleticism is a great match for his length and wingspan. With his above average ball-handling skills (he could easily be a point-forward type), he is very successful at driving to the basket and scoring. He is also a great passer and playmaker, and a nice outside shooter as well. In addition, his father was a former pro basketball player, so his work ethic and dedication are more reliable than some. Word has it that he may have a promise from the Clippers at #12, however.

Raymond Felton
6’, 200 lbs., PG, North Carolina
If he even lasts that long to begin with, he is almost assured to go to Charlotte at #13. But if he somehow happens to drop to #14, the Wolves would have a hard time passing up such a quality future point guard option. He is one of the fastest players in the draft, which would fit in well with the philosophy of new coach Dwyane Casey. He is also a great playmaker and floor leader. His outside shot could be better, but it is still much improved and he continues to work on it. He would be great backing up Cassell for a season if the Wolves could find a way to unload Hudson.

Ike Diogu
6’9”, 250 lbs, PF/C?, Arizona State
While PF is the one position that the Wolves are most set at, Diogu’s above average length and shot blocking ability (aided by a 7’4” wingspan) might be enough to pair him alongside Garnett in a center-less frontcourt. With his wingspan, he is often compared to Elton Brand. He is a great rebounder, and together he and KG would dominate the glass. Offensively, he can bang down low like a big man and score effectively with his back to the basket. But, he also has the ability to shoot, including from 3-point range. Though he may lack the explosiveness of some of the others in his class, his polished skills, tremendous wingspan, and willingness to get dirty in the paint make him an attractive prospect nonetheless.

Paul Shirley update

2005-05-04T00:38:00.000-05:00

no...unfortunately i don't have an update about his progress on the court. he still hasn't gotten off the bench in the playoffs yet. but i thought i'd let you know his playoff blog has been updated since i first wrote to you about him a couple of days ago. he posted another entry on his playoff blog today (well, technically yesteday i suppose. though with daylight savings time who even knows anymore. damn farmers.). i may or may not choose to/be able to hold your hand proverbial hands regarding this in the future, so i suggest if you are not already doing so that you should periodically check the site to see if he has updated it.

An unfortunate 15 minutes of fame.

2005-05-03T20:36:00.000-05:00

Apparently this video made the blogging rounds about a month ago, and if I was a better member of the blogging culture I would have seen it earlier. But I’m not, and I didn’t.

Regardless, it is at once very funny and also very pity-inducing and very difficult to watch because of the awkwardnessful (this word, introduced to me/coined? by a friend of a friend years ago, is also known as the word awkward, as they mean the same thing) nature of it. It is definitely worth a watch, if only for the highlight discussed later on.

It is a clip of a sports segment from the Ball St. University student TV program NewsLink@9, that stars sportscaster Brian Collins. It seems that Mr. Collins, filling in for the usual anchors, stepped in to do this broadcast only hours before it was scheduled, and as a result apparently wasn’t able to prepare fully. This is clearly (and painfully) evident as he completely loses his grip on what he is doing and struggles mightily to stay afloat for the four minute broadcast.

To give you an idea of just how bad this guy freezes up, when I first watched the video I was sure it was fake. Then for fleeting moment I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with the guy, mentally speaking. Then I thought that perhaps he was completely reliant on a malfunctioning teleprompter or something. But cursory exploration of the intranets (in honor of a good friend of mine I prefer intra to inter) has given me no indication that any of these are the case.

A large part of me feels very bad for this guy and for laughing at this and for the fact that video footage of his nervous fiasco has spread all across the intranet to millions of people. But the video is already out there, so I suppose we might as well watch it, right?

The lowlights of the video are a) when he apologizes mid sentence (about 1:18 into the video) and b) when he gets flustered and loses it and instead of saying anything he just loudly sighs, multiple times.

The highlights come when he manages to regain a bit of form (um. Sort of.) when presenting the Indiana pacers highlights (segment starts about 2:00).

Best parts:
- “Stephen Jackson to david…[then trails off mid sentence without finishing the name or saying what happened in the highlight] (2:07)
- starting at about 2:16: “[very awkwardly…] reggie miller’s looking good…he shoots a three…and it’s good!”
- when he refers to college basketball players Wayne Simien as “Wayne Summers” and Hakim Warrick as “Hekkin Warrick” while the correct names are being shown on the screen at the same time (at about 3:05).

and of course the ultimate highlight, the one that has brought him so much fame (and, if some rumors on the intranets are to be believed invitation for appearances from ESPN, Fox Sports, Letterman, etc.):

(at 2:25): “later he gets the rebound, passes it to the man, shoots it, and boom goes the dynamite”.

This section is rife with hilarity, thanks in part to (but not exclusively):
- the fact that he doesn’t say who gets the rebound, he just says “he”
- then even better and far more hilarious fact that he says “passes it to the man”. A sports reporting showing highlights and referring to participants that are known, famous people as “the man” is very very funny.

- And then of course, the now-ubiquitous (or so they say) phrase that has made him famous (it has apparently been stolen and used by ESPN sportscenter anchor Scott Van Pelt): “boom goes the dynamite”, the hilarity of which is caused in large part by the inflection he delivers it with, at once filled with confidence (for once…you can tell this is his signature phrase and even though he has completely lost any sense of any sort of preparedness or training that somehow this phrase has managed to break through the fog and find its way into the broadcast) and lack of enthusiasm when delivering the actual phrase (I’ve never heard anyone say the word boom with less excitement before).

Great stuff.

Here’s a link from the Ball State Daily News about the whole thing: http://www.bsudailynews.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2005/04/19/4264ab008830a

And here’s a link to an article from the Star Press, which is apparently the East Central Indiana news source:
http://www.thestarpress.com/articles/7/038178-8117-004.html

Here’s the link to download the video again:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~pete2122/sportsnews.wmv

He's back...

2005-04-30T16:58:00.000-05:00

Paul Shirley is back with more, and this is definitely a good thing, because in my estimation he has to be one of the funniest 6’10” writers in the world.

Granted, I don’t personally know anyone even remotely that tall. Nor do I regularly research the bodily dimensions of my favorite humorists (now dramatists, that is a completely different story…). But nonetheless, I feel I can safely say that Mr. Shirley puts the rest of his altitudinous brethren and sistren to shame in the humor category.

I first came to this conclusion after having read his “Road Ramblings”, an online journal written about a 5 game trip undertaken by him and his employer, the Phoenix Suns. For you see, Shirley is not one of those everyday normal tall people who work at the cube next to you at the office; no – instead, he is an NBA basketball player. But Shaquille O’Neal or Kevin Garnett or [insert your favorite NBA superstar or even semi-star or even 12 minute a game quality role playing contributor here] he is not – Shirley is the quintessential 12th man, relegated to the far end of the bench, who enumerates his responsibilities thusly:

1. Showing up for buses, practices, games, etc. on time. 2. Refraining from causing undue stress to anyone by misbehaving on road trips or wading into the stands to attack fans. 3. Practicing hard when given the opportunity. 4. Entering games when my team is up by an insurmountable margin and attempting to break the shots-per-minute record.

Notice that actually playing basketball does not figure heavily in to that list. The man rarely plays in game situations: in total this season he has compiled 30 minutes, which averages out to about 3.3 minutes a game. His total output on his 5 game roadtrip was, as he described it: “Min: 0, TP[total points]: 0, FG%: Undefined. Bravo.” Indeed, while discussing how little he actually plays, he very humorously describes his mindset upon realizing that he may actually get into a game:

I began considering the possibility that there could very well be a bit of playing time in the offing and started paying at least cursory attention to what was going on in timeouts, in case Coach D’Antoni said something like, “From now on tonight, everyone will be shooting with his left hand. Deviation from this plan of attack will result in castration immediately following the game.” I would really hate to miss one of those instructions, come out firing, and because of my own mental lapse, ruin the rest of my life.

However, one should not have the impression that his entire career has been that way. Rather, instead of his entire career having been spent entirely as a very highly paid cheerleader/wry observer/emergency 4th option, his career has been characterized by the typical difficulties and frustrations that regularly afflict basketball journeymen. Since graduating from Iowa State (where he went as far as the Elite Eight in the NCAA tournament) with a degree in mechanical engineering and prior to playing for the Suns this season, Shirley has played for 2 other NBA teams (the Chicago bulls and the Atlanta Hawks), a United States Basketball League (USBL) team (the Dodge City Legend) (I had no idea such a league even existed…), a Greek Basketball League team (Panionios), a Continental Basketball Association (CBA) team (the Yakima Sun Kings), and a Europe League team (two [?] stints with УНИКС [Unics] in Kazan, Russia, the first [?] of which ended this way).

Indeed, it was this traveling around the world that led Shirley to start writing. He took the opportunity of all of the free time he had in these new and strange locales to write weekly email reports of his journeys to friends and families. The sarcastic witticisms, inside-perspective observations, and refreshing honesty that characterized these messages from the front can again be found in his recent efforts in online journaling (he dislikes the term blog, saying[scroll down for the Shirley section]: "I realize that the accepted term is "blog," I tend to shy away from that word as it seems more appropriate as a surrogate for other words. For example, to avoid the rampant censorship, should I ever re-start the journal, I may attempt to introduce the word blog in situations such as the following: "The referee then turned to Bo Outlaw and said, 'Bo, shut your [blog]ging mouth. And quit [blog]ging dancing.'" Basically, I am nominating the word as a replacement for the antiquated *&^#• from the Beetle Bailey days of the 1950s), and these characteristics have translated well into the NBA’s new attempts to use technology to allow fans to get closer to the game.

And, at least in my humble opinion, it is this combination of biting sarcasm, inside observation, and candidness, along with an obvious talent for writing and intelligence, that make Shirley’s writing such a joy to read. In the words of sometimes very funny (and sometimes equally annoying) sports columnist Bill Simmons (whose writings Shirley’s can resemble at times, though Shirley has yet to fall into some of the very annoying characteristics that permeate some of Simmons’s work), “thanks to [Shirley’s] ongoing blog on NBA.com we could finally have an answer to the question, "What would it be like if one our friends was an NBA player and sent us e-mails about his life every few days?"” This down to earthness is bolstered by the fact that despite the fact he is making somewhere in the neighborhood of $700,000 a year, he is very down to earth and recognizes the fantastic opportunities he’s been given. He regularly devotes time in his journal to discussing what an awesome job he has and how lucky he is, while at the same time poking fun at the attitudes and demeanors of some of his less-then-savory and less-than-thankful fellow NBAers.

(Also great is his style, in which he tends toward verbosity at times [a quote from his journal: “(That was an example of some unneeded verbosity. When I sign my book deal, someone will have to teach me how to actually write.)”] and uses multiple parenthetical phrases:

(I should note that, by taking this course of argument I am, in fact, railing against myself because really, who the hell am I and why should anyone put any stock in what I write? The good news is that I have not been told that I am an expert on, well, anything, so I have not been given carte blanch to begin yelling about why I think the Chiefs got a steal in the fourth round with the drafting of Craphonso Thorpe [New feature--in-parenthetical parenthetical expressions. How about Craphonso for a name? One would have to become a football player just to take out the aggression that would build up from having that for a moniker. I doubt he ever heard, “Hey, Crap-Honzo, catch the damn ball,” back in school. Seriously, though, who approved that on the birth certificate? There needs to be some sort of watch-dog organization for these things.] Basically, I write what is the direct channeling of a very strange brain, and should be treated as such.)

Gee, can you guess why I might relate to him?)

Unfortunately, as it stands now, his journaling will come to an end at the end of the Suns playoff run. And with the end of that run might come the end of Shirley’s tenure with the Suns (his contract expires at the end of this year, if I am not mistaken). It seems to me that if they decide not to re-sign him as a player at the end of the season that they should hire him to chronicle the team full time. The amount of fans that such a move should win the team would be well worth their while, and surely Shirley (couldn’t resist) could and would be willing to basically continue doing exactly as he is doing now minus the pretending to be a basketball player part. True, he would make less money; but, on the other hand, he would still be working in phoenix rather than living in a bad hotel in Siberia (ok, I know – Kazan isn’t actually in Siberia).

So, for the one of you who actually made it through this entire lengthy post, to sum it up (don’t you wish I had provided this summary at the beginning rather than the end?):

Read Paul Shirley’s online journals. The first one, "Paul Shirley’s Road Ramblings" is located at: http://www.nba.com/suns/news/shirley_blog.html, and the latest one, "Paul on the Playoffs", is located at: http://www.nba.com/suns/news/shirley_playoff_blog.html. I can’t stress this enough. The man is really pure hilarity, even if you aren’t necessarily anything more than a very casual basketball fan.

Also (just when you thought you were free!), for those of you who can’t get enough of Mr. Shirley, there is a video clip that features our favorite vertically-endowed writer taken from a produced-for-the-internet show done by the Suns on the Suns website that is decently entertaining. In addition to Paul’s funniness, there are two great moments of unintentional comedy: 1) when co-host Cedric Ceballos (some may remember his blindfolded dunk that won him the 1992 NBA Slam Dunk Contest) says of Shirley: “he’s great with the typin'” (wow, what a compliment!), and 2) other co-host Jamie Morris’s response to Shirley’s discussion of his reading tastes. When asked what he is currently reading, Shirley goes into an answer about how he just read a Hunter S. Thompson book and starts talking about Gonzo journalism etc., and then says he is reading a Norman Mailer book that is also sort of pseudo-journalistic and talks about how both are applicable to his situation because in both the authors are putting themselves in particular positions and then reporting about what is going on around them. He finishes by saying: “so that’s been kind of an interesting confluence of events for me”, to which co-host Jamie replies in a completely un-enthusiastic, that went way over my head and you lost me at hello manner, “very nice”. It’s great. (Also, note if you decide you wish to watch the clip, be aware that there will be two short commercials before the ‘show’ starts, and that Shirley’s segment of the show doesn’t start until about 4 minutes into the main video).

Boosting Your Indie Cred, 101

2005-04-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

Ever wanted to own a piece of rock memorabilia that would make your name-dropping indie music snob friends smash all of their Mogwai records to bits in a fit of jealous rage and envy? If so, now is your chance, for it seems that seminal indie/post-rock pioneers Slint are auctioning pieces of gear on eBay.

For those who are unawares, Slint is sort of the Ulysses of 90s ‘indie’ music. Scholars and (supposed) bibliophiles alike frequently cite Joyce’s Ulysses as the greatest book written in English from the 20th century, but the work remains very infrequently read outside of college campuses and the random pretentious clientele-filled coffeehouse. The same can be said of Slint - anyone with any sort of indie cred, or anyone who attempts to have any sort of indie cred, cite them as one of the most important and influential bands of the late 80s early 90s; yet, aside from the random soundperson at a club or hip college professor or coffeehouse employee who is trying to impress his/her pretentious clientele, I rarely encounter anyone who actually listens to Slint on any sort of regular basis. So, just as Ulysses is the greatest book nobody ever reads, Slint is the greatest band few ever actually listen to, its place in our modern culture context reserved more for name-dropping and cred building then for its music.

Which is not to say that they did not have a tremendous influence on the indie/post-rock scene. In particular (as can be heard on their albums Tweez and Spiderland) their use of radical changes in volume, song structure, and tempo along with their controlled use of dissonance and disjointed rhythms, all with an underlying sense of mathematical precision in the context of non-lyric based rock music has shaped countless bands since (bands from Mogwai to Sigur Ros and many in between). Indeed, the term “Slint dynamics” has crept its way into the modern music lexicon to describe the style of quiet/loud dynamics (along with the other characteristics listed above) that so many bands employ today. So there is no doubt they did have a huge influence on many bands to come; the problem for me is that, at least in my experiences listening to them up until this point in my life, they just aren’t that exciting or fun or interesting to listen to. If I’m in the mood to listen to ‘post-rock’ type instrumental music I’d much rather listen to a band like tortoise (yes, I know…a semi Slint offshoot featuring at one time ex-Slint-er David Pajo) or even (am I destroying any sense of indie cred here?) Sigur Ros.

But I digress (my listening tastes have nothing to do with eBay or this auction). See, the Slint story ended when they disbanded in 1992. However, this year saw a reunion/farewell tour, which is where the eBay thing comes in. The band has decided to auction select pieces of equipment purchased for and used on that reunion tour. In particular, up for auction are a Fender Hot Rod Deville 4x10 amp, a Tele, a Strat, and, for the aspiring guitar techs amongst you, a custom ATA workbox. So if you are looking for something to instantly apply a mega boost your indie cred amongst your fellow musicians or friends, bid away (time's running out - only 3 days left!). If you’re looking merely for a small cred boost amongst music nerds (er, aficionados) go pick up Spiderland. Or, if you’re looking for a quality ‘post-rock’ instrumental/jazz/rock/etc. album with some cool songs and a heavy dose of mallet instruments to go along with the layered guitars, keyboards, bass, and drums on it, go grab Standards by Tortoise.

A little dose of capitalist propaganda with our after-school snacks

2005-04-22T16:37:00.000-05:00

[And now for a hastily written, and even more hastily proofread piece of work that has, despite the aforementioned haste, greatly contributed to the impending disaster that is my senior paper (less than 72 hours and more than 20 pages to go...). And if you're lazy/can't stand to read my writing, skip to the very last paragraph - that's where the real treasure is]:

When I was a little younger, I (like any sane youngster who was allowed to watch TV after school) tuned in regularly to the wonderful program ‘Duck Tales’. I couldn’t wait to see what sort of high jinx Scrooge and his nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louis, along with a large cast of dare-I-say more entertaining supporting characters (Fenton Crackshell [a.k.a. Gizmoduck], Ma Beagle and the Beagle Boys, Launchpad McQuack, Duckworth) plus a few not-so-entertaining ones (Bubba Duck and Webbigail Vanderquack spring to mind), would be up to on any given day.

Though I was sure too young to understand and appreciate most of the allusions, I was regularly thrilled by episodes that cleverly played off of well known works of art, legends, and historical events with such clever titles as: "Three Ducks of the Condor" [episode 3]; "The Duck in the Iron Mask" [episode 10]; "Duck to the Future" [episode 23]; "Dr Jekyll and Mr. McDuck [episode 25]"; "Ducky Horror Picture Show" [episode 32]; "The Golden Fleecing" [episode 33]; "The Uncrashable Hindentanic" [episode 65]; "The Duck Who Would Be King"[episode 67]; "Full Metal Duck" [episode 83]; "The Billionaire Beagle Boys Club" [episode 84]; "The Duck Who Knew Too Much" [episode 99]…the list goes on and on.

In addition to referencing all of these benchmarks of popular culture, history, and myth, looking back I can’t help but think that the show also carried another subtext that affected the minds of all of the show’s viewers – specifically, a blatant reinforcement of the ideals and virtues of capitalism and good capitalists. Basically every episode was filled with one or both of two main events – multi-billionaire scrooge and his loyal retinue scouring the globe for precious money to add to his money bin and ma beagle and the beagle boys trying to steal scrooge’s money from the money bin.

Now the message here is relatively clear. Uncle Scrooge represented a model example of American capitalism, both exploiting the masses and suppressing and exploiting indigenous cultures in order to get richer. But the catch is that this was not seen as a negative thing. I mean, sure: there were probably many episodes that ended with scrooge learning his lesson that ‘greed was bad’ and with him not getting the treasure that he was seeking (to tell you the truth, I can’t even remember if that is the case or not…but I am assuming so). But the trick was that scrooge was still a very sympathetic character (and was by far the least likeable character of his gang that included his nephews [with whom we kids could most easily relate], gizmoduck, launchpad, etc). We the viewers sympathized with him as he sought out people and lands to exploit in order to further fill his fantastic monument of capitalism: his money bin, which towered over Duckburgh with a majestic, awe-inspiring glow.

And on top of that, he (and more importantly for us kids watching, his nephews) led an amazing life, spending his time going on fabulous trips to amazing places around the globe and diving and swimming in his giant pit of money (which, by the way, was a surefire way to incite many a broken neck amongst young viewers, if only their parents had had money bins of their own). So basically the message we children were learning was: go to some far-flung corner of the globe, find some people with some treasure who are stupider than you are, try to steal their treasure, go home to mansion and lead an idyllic life of leisure, repeat.

Plus, throw in the fact that the beagle boys, scrooge’s archenemies and the sole threat to his riches, were dressed in red, and you’ve got yourself a downright cold war propaganda tool right there. They might as well have addressed each other as comrade and had hammers and sickles sewn into their uniforms. It’s been widely accepted that ‘beagle’ is a reference to ‘barker’ (as in ma barker), but don’t you think it’s a little more than a coincidence that ‘beagle’ and ‘Bolshevik’ not only share the same first letter, but share 2 other letters as well? 2!

Sure, when the show debuted in 1988 the soviet union was crumbling and Gorbachev (or, as I must’ve thought of him then, being 6: that man with the grape juice stain on his head) was less then two years removed from a visit that would take him less than 2 miles from my own home and the very couch on which I sat myself down to watch duck tales every afternoon. But the show was based on the comics of Carl Barks that were written during the 50s (need I say more?). And seriously folks, Carl Barks, creator of the original comic books, is seen by many to have subscribed to a worldview dominated to a large degree by a sense of republican triumphalism. And though my source isn’t necessarily 100% reliable on this one (what? A random internet site not necessarily reliable?), apparently he wrote at one point in a letter to the artist Don Rosa about how he was excited about the decline of the USSR, because it meant he could now set his stories in places where he wished not to before (no doubt because he was afraid of exposing children to such evil places and their evil economic systems): “[my] plots only took the ducks to the politically safe areas of the world. Since the decay of communism there's all of Russia and Siberia and China to use for locales."

But really, this is all neither here nor there. Because my real purpose of this writing rests elsewhere. Specifically, what I want to know is this: why would uncle scrooge choose to keep his money in the money bin in the first place? If he knew that the beagle brothers were constantly hatching schemes to steal the money from his money bin (or steal the money bin all together), why would he store all of his fortune in the most recognizable landmark in the entire city? It seems after the first thwarted theft attempt he would have moved the money somewhere more secret - perhaps to an underground bunker or maybe even a satellite. That way the beagle boys would have had no chance at getting at the fortune and all of uncle scrooge’s riches would have been completely safe.

But then again I suppose the writers may not have wanted to do that because by eliminating that bastion of capitalist power that would defeat the whole notion of the heralding the joys of capitalism. Or I suppose it’s possible that it was the fact that it would have made the show a whole lot less interesting if there was no actual action to take place without the plot device of uncle scrooge vs. the beagle boys…but me, i'll stick with the first explanation.

Also, the true reason i was inspired to write this was so i could share with you the immense genius of this, which really demands an entire post to itself. but i have not time for that now.

well, i officially jinxed them by getting ahead of myself...

2005-04-17T17:30:00.000-05:00

wolves playoff hopes are done with a loss to seattle today. they made a valiant effort and nearly came back from a huge deficit, but it wasn't to be.

at least the twins are playing well...(knock on wood! - i won't jinx again!)

timberwolves utterly slim playoff hopes update

2005-04-17T02:18:00.000-05:00

for bruno, mostly, i suppose
(also alex, if she happens to be reading)
(also everyone else too [wouldn't want to leave you out...]):

the situation as of late saturday night/actually early sunday morning is as follows. as you know, to get into the playoffs the wolves must win each of their last 3 games (vs. seattle (good), new orleans (bad), san antonio (good)). meanwhile, the grizzled bears of memphis must lose each of their final two games (vs. san antonio and dallas).

a few things to keep in mind with these matchups regarding the timberpuppies' hopes:

first of all, the ambivalent news: tim duncan has just recently returned from his ankle injury and the spurs have not played many games yet with him back. he is unqustionably the most important part of their game plan. he was out for a decent amount of time, and while he was they had to adjust their game plan a fair amount. now with him back they have a very limited amount of time before the playoffs start in which to try to regain the rhythm they had built up before his injury. as a result, they may choose not to rest him at all the last couple of games of the season, which they might otherwise normally do if they were not trying to get back into their groove. this is both good and bad for the wolves, because both the wolves and the grizzles play san anton.

now the good news: the #1 seed (and the home court advantage it carries with it) is still a mathematical possibility for san antonio (their competition for it is phoenix). the monday game between san antonio and memphis begins before the phoenix/denver game, meaning that san antonio will still at that point be able to possibly get the #1 seed, meaning in turn that they will be playing to win and won't be resting their stars for that game. so that game should be a tough one for memphis to win.

so if the wolves win sunday, and if the spurs beat the grizz monday it all comes down to wednesday night. now, if phoenix wins monday vs. denver, then san anton will be eliminated from the #1 seed. if this happens, there is definitely a chance, despite the whole rhythm thing mentioned above, that san anton will rest their starters vs. the wolves on wednesday because they are locked into the #2 seed regardless, giving the wolves a much better chance. [however, if, on the other hand, phoenix loses monday and san anton wins monday, then san anton still mathematically have a chance at the #1 seed, which means they will be playing to win wednesday against the wolves, which is bad]. so root for the suns on monday while you are rooting against the grizzly adams'.

now the bad news: dallas, memphis's opponent on wednesday, has locked themselves into the #5 seed. this is significant because it means there is a good likelihood that they will rest their starters on wednesday vs. the grizz, making it a much easier game for them to win. (a win that would, of course, eliminate the wolves).

and it goes without saying (then why am i saying it? you may ask...well, i suppose it doesn't really completely go without saying...i guess i just needed a new transition phrase...) that all of this is assuming the wolves can even beat seattle sunday. possibly by the time you read this that game will be over and, if the wolves lose, all of this will be rendered obsolete. let us hope that that is not the case, at the very least for the fact that the precious time i spent writing this instead of writing my paper or sleeping or flipping between access hollywood and the antiques roadshow will all have been for nought (alt. spelling=naught).

so, to recap, here is who you want to win:
wolves both sunday and wednesday (absolutely necessary)
spurs over grizz monday (ditto)
phoenix over denver monday (preferable)

got that? that is all for my hastily written and non-proofread playoff outlook. does that at least momentarily satisfy your desire for the sharing of my basketball-related info (while at the same time giving you hope that i may again use this, my little corner of cyberspace, to share with you fine people my basketball thoughts and ramblings)?

i hope so.

success! (or, more shameless [and perverse] self-promotion)

2005-04-16T17:16:00.000-05:00

i am so smrt. smrt.

now i can subject all three of you who read this to the ridiculous/mostly worthless/maybe sometimes even hilarious pieces of music i record/create while i am bored and procrastinating (like this unfinished experiment? [the beginning in particular is very boring, but there does manage to be about 25 seconds of it or so that i think are mildly cool - patience through the first bit is required, however] or this one? [if i were asked to create a cheezy and cliched string score for a film (perhaps one by an imitator of christopher nolan)] or this one? [the same thing as the last one only with a cheezy drum beat and some weirdly affected vocal thing added]).

also, as long as we are on the subject of qualifying them, the one from the previous post (mess around thing) was created about 3 years ago. the horrible buzzing in the background comes from the oscillating fan that was perched on my computer desk at the time.

(now you know what is in store for you in a month or so when i finish school and have more time on my hands with which i can record/create worthless music on my computer...)

can it be done?

2005-04-16T17:09:00.000-05:00

maybe despite my internets-related knowledge deficiencies i can figure out how to post music for download using the storage space from my university of minnesota account.

let us see (bets anyone?):

mess around thing

shameless self promotion (or self-exhibition, perhaps?)

2005-04-12T13:20:00.000-05:00

in case you are the curious/bored type, here is a link to some photographs of myself and some of my fellow musicmaking-mates at various shows over the past year or so. they were kindly taken and posted by a friend and co-worker of my friend and musicmaking-mate martin, and have been posted here without express written or implied oral consent. i admit to not having sifted through them all, so you may be lucky to see some in which i look hilarious and/or stupid, which is a privilege you might otherwise not have had if i had looked through all of them.

the photos

a video clip

2005-04-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

yes, i know...this still is not really a post of any substance. tough.

my compadre ( <-- see, i'm sensitive to your argentinean roots!) bruno sent me this link.

we have determined that it must be fake, but it is still mildly cool nonetheless. what basketball and skateboarding have to do with each other i don't necessarily grasp; but, anytime people are doing things (or more appropriately in this case are appearing to do things) that are amazing feats of skill (both mental or physical), i can't help but be entertained. (if only the video was of ken jennings and alex trebek making these ridiculous basketball shots...)

(video is not inappropriate for a workplace setting, but note that is does contain sound)

without further ado:
ridiculous basketball shots

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg

2005-04-01T01:05:00.000-06:00

a hometown guy dying way too young. if you know his work, you know that much of it is pure genius. if you don't, you would be wise to. generally i'm not at all a fan of stand up comedy, but man his stuff is funny.

for those unfamiliar with his work, here are a few choice quips of his. be forewarned, however, that a great portion of his hilarity was in the delivery, which obviously cannot be re-created here. to understand his true genius you need to hear him deliver these lines:

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.""

"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."

"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips."

"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick.""

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something."

"I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible."

"I wrote a letter to my dad — I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away ..."

"I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'"

"I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment.""

" I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify."

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera ..."

"My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first..."

"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at ..."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.""

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly ..."

"My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy ..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ..."

"Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys."

"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.""

"I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question."

"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It was the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light, they scatter, but I do not want them to. Don't run away. I want to hold you ... and feed you a leaf."

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry," so it died."

"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes."

for more information about him and his work you can visit www.mitchhedberg.net

apologies...

2005-03-29T00:42:00.000-06:00

thank you for your continued patience, my 4 or 5 (ok...3 or 4. ok 2) loyal readers.

things are a bit crazy right now, and as such i am unable to post in depth forthwith; but hopefully more posting will be happening soon.

and ifeth a fortnight hath doth passed and i hath doth not created any postings by the end of that fortnight, doth not suffer any a qualm about abandoning your pusuit of mine infantile jottings.

a note that lives on the side: i hath not any ideas as to how to correctly implement the usage of such a language as the one i hath presently attempted to unleash. nor didst i care to try to discover, for thy blog-master am but a simple man who cannot be bothered by such trifles.

again: your forgiveness, please.

good evening and good night.

welcome.

2005-03-24T19:40:00.000-06:00

as i said, welcome.

i have a roommate and friend who owns a roomba who has as of late been strongly encouraging me to start one of these so-called blogs. i also have a friend that is a female but has a boy's name who enjoys reality tv almost too much and barbara streisand way too much who has likewise encouraged (read: threatened) me to do thus. she has also said that if i do, she promises me she will read it. i also have a roommate and friend who gave to me a great wristband that says 'baller' on it. seeing as how i enjoy these people, i've decided to at least attempt to humor them, despite my sense of sensibility. and to spite jane austen.

as of now i don't have anything really to say beyond that...but keep your eyes peeled, as they say, as perhaps inspiration will strike at the unlikeliest of times (or rather more likely at predictable times like when i am procrastinating from my school work, which is often). stay tuned...

or, seeing as how no one is currently tuned and since i currently have nothing of interest to say, stay un-tuned (out of tune?) for now, i suppose.